I am back to the Dead feeling. I was doing well and then things just went click. All of a sudden I became really tired and just numb. All I want to do is sleep. I don't want to talk to anyone. I know nobody wants to talk to me, so I suppose that isn't too bad. I think I am going to ask my pdoc to let me cut back to once a month visits, from 4 times a month. I just whine at him anyway. Why does he want to be subjected to that? I don't even think he really listens. Monday, he told me that my mind was probably scared of the thought that I had been doing well, so I decided to space out. Yes, I like being like this. I get so much out of it. NOT! I just sat there. I wanted to run out of his office and never go back, but politeness wouldn't allow me to.

So, I just exist. Eat, sleep, use up resources that could be used on someone else. Why can't I give my life to someone who is dying? I don't want it anymore, so why can't I just curl up and die, and let someone who is fighting to live, have my life?

I want my head to stop hurting. Maybe it is punishment for all the people I have hurt in my lifetime. I am sure that just simply being near me has caused many people a lot of pain. I have seen their faces. I know that the evil inside me is evident to everyone but me.

So God, here I am. The joke You created. I don't understand why, but I know I am a joke. I just hope You don't prolong it much longer. I don't think I can live this way. Whatever the plan was, this misery is bigger than my ability to carry it. Take care of my family, please. Don't let them be a joke too. Please let them be normal and happy and loved. Please let any of my badness be erased from them and not left to linger and destroy them. Please let me sleep tonight and not wake up to another day. Let me go.

Fear. It lives inside coming out and taking over my soul whenever I stop suppressing it. Last night, it did. We owe the government $1700 by the 26th. We don't have that money. My mind just shut off and all I wanted to do was hide. I ended up hiding in my bed which was where Jim found me when he came looking for me. Now he knows I am afraid. He doesn't know that me fear has spread to include all that I can see and touch, including him. I am afraid of him, I am afraid of the people on the street. I am afraid of leaving the house. I am afraid of my nightmares, but I would rather sleep than deal with my waking fears.

These days, I wake up with a splitting headache, sore jaw, sore shoulders and a sore back. Nothing makes the headaches go away. the rest ease off once I start moving, but my head keeps on pounding. If I move to fast, I get very dizzy, my head feels like it is splitting in two, and I almost faint.

I don't want anyone to touch me. I don't want to be here. I want the pain to stop.

OK, I am not dead. Death doesn't have this much anxiety. I wonder how much Ativan I need to recreate that numb feeling? At least I did tell the doc how I was feeling. And by the amount of scribbling, I don't think this was expected. So now what? Resort to self mutilation again? *sigh*

Jim is looking into a new Health Care Insurance Plan. They wouldn't even cover my drugs for the year. And that is just my sanity pills. What happens if I need something else? Jim thought I was joking when I asked what happens after the $2,500 is used up. Then he had the pharmacy pull my year 2000 drug usage. I think he nearly fell over. It would be cheaper in the long run, for this family if I weren't around. Then I wouldn't be using up resources that should be going elsewhere and then Jim wouldn't be freaking over every cent I spend that is not directly for the family. Like beer is a family thing. I know that I spend too much money. I also know that I am not working. But then again, the thought of a job sends my anxiety through the roof. I am paranoid enough without having to deal with office politics again.

Where is God in all of this? Where does He want me to be? What am I supposed to be learning and what happens when I cannot stop myself? I really am afraid. I know that He is the only one left who listens and will probably be the only one who will hear my final cries. And yet my faith is not strong enough to just hand ths over to Him and hang on. My hands are slipping and the rope is breaking.

Will anyone care once I am gone? Besides my cat?

I am dead inside. I think the effort of trying to control my emotions has reached the point that I no longer feel. The last thing I remember feeling was intense shame. I am always doing something wrong and always creating anger and dissention in others. So I don't feel anymore. The only sensation I am really aware of is the slight pain on the tip of my tongue from where I run my tongue over the side of my teeth. I try not to do it, but I must be doing while I am asleep. Actually, it is rather a comfort, I suppose. Like the feeling I get when my arms are all scabbed over from scratching. I know that I am still here because I hurt some times. What happens when the pain isn't there anymore?

Well here I am trying out a new idea. I have meant to journal my feelings for a long time. Maybe they will help me to find the pattern and discover just what is going on inside my head.

For so long I have felt as if I don't belong anywhere. I try to fit in, but never seem to be quite right. It is almost as if I am a round peg trying to jam myself into a square hole. I don't fit with anybody I know, even my family. They all look at me as if I am crazy too. and I wonder how log it will be before it just gets to all of us and I disappear. I don't want to put on my Suzie Homemaker mask anymore. I hate feeling that stiffled. But I am also living in fear right now because I think people are looking at me and seeing all of my mistakes. All the things that are wrong with me and are reasons to judge me. I am keeping myself apart from others because I don't want to hear them tell me to go away. And yet, I want so much to have a real person who can listen to the thoughts that flitter through my mind and tell me that I actually am normal. Am I?

<img src="http://x60.xanga.com/3988025342230236797/w228318.jpg" alt="Dogwalk" style="width:288px" />

Just for Nora and Stephen!