January 14, 2001

  • Well here I am trying out a new idea. I have meant to journal my feelings for a long time. Maybe they will help me to find the pattern and discover just what is going on inside my head.


    For so long I have felt as if I don't belong anywhere. I try to fit in, but never seem to be quite right. It is almost as if I am a round peg trying to jam myself into a square hole. I don't fit with anybody I know, even my family. They all look at me as if I am crazy too. and I wonder how log it will be before it just gets to all of us and I disappear. I don't want to put on my Suzie Homemaker mask anymore. I hate feeling that stiffled. But I am also living in fear right now because I think people are looking at me and seeing all of my mistakes. All the things that are wrong with me and are reasons to judge me. I am keeping myself apart from others because I don't want to hear them tell me to go away. And yet, I want so much to have a real person who can listen to the thoughts that flitter through my mind and tell me that I actually am normal. Am I?

Comments (4)

  • Hi Janet!  Welcome to Xanga!  I'm glad you decided to post your thoughts.  :-)

    Your feelings seem very much like mine.  I can totally relate to what you are going through.  Do you want my opinion?  You are NORMAL,  it's everybody else that's NUTS.  :-)

    Hugs, Maggie

  • I agree with Maggie, we are actually the ones that are  being true to ourselves.  The rest of the world is being untrue and false. 

    HUGS!

  • We are normal and everyone else is nuts?  Perhaps.  Does that explain why I am downing great amounts of Ativan today, simply because I realized that I had to go grocery shopping.

  • Do you really want to be normal?  I know I don't.  I'm sure your famly isn't judging you.  But I'm pretty sure that you are judging you.  The only mistakes people really remember are their own.  We have got to stop beating ourselves up.

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