January 16, 2001

  • OK, I am not dead. Death doesn't have this much anxiety. I wonder how much Ativan I need to recreate that numb feeling? At least I did tell the doc how I was feeling. And by the amount of scribbling, I don't think this was expected. So now what? Resort to self mutilation again? *sigh*


    Jim is looking into a new Health Care Insurance Plan. They wouldn't even cover my drugs for the year. And that is just my sanity pills. What happens if I need something else? Jim thought I was joking when I asked what happens after the $2,500 is used up. Then he had the pharmacy pull my year 2000 drug usage. I think he nearly fell over. It would be cheaper in the long run, for this family if I weren't around. Then I wouldn't be using up resources that should be going elsewhere and then Jim wouldn't be freaking over every cent I spend that is not directly for the family. Like beer is a family thing. I know that I spend too much money. I also know that I am not working. But then again, the thought of a job sends my anxiety through the roof. I am paranoid enough without having to deal with office politics again.


    Where is God in all of this? Where does He want me to be? What am I supposed to be learning and what happens when I cannot stop myself? I really am afraid. I know that He is the only one left who listens and will probably be the only one who will hear my final cries. And yet my faith is not strong enough to just hand ths over to Him and hang on. My hands are slipping and the rope is breaking.


    Will anyone care once I am gone? Besides my cat?

Comments (3)

  • Janet, I would miss you if you weren't around!  Please don't doubt God's love for you, he is there he will catch you when you fall, he always is for me.

    Susan

  • Hi Janet.  I hope you are hanging in there.  I am here for you.  Just hollar if you need someone to talk to. 

    Many hugs, Maggie

  • I am not religious, nor am I a cat lover, so I can't answer your philosophical questions.  I can assure you, however, that your children adore you and so does your husband.  They would be lost without you.

    Have you found just one medication that helps your anxiety?  I take Xanax as needed at the price of $1.23 a month!  I got so lucky.

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