January 20, 2001
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Fear. It lives inside coming out and taking over my soul whenever I stop suppressing it. Last night, it did. We owe the government $1700 by the 26th. We don't have that money. My mind just shut off and all I wanted to do was hide. I ended up hiding in my bed which was where Jim found me when he came looking for me. Now he knows I am afraid. He doesn't know that me fear has spread to include all that I can see and touch, including him. I am afraid of him, I am afraid of the people on the street. I am afraid of leaving the house. I am afraid of my nightmares, but I would rather sleep than deal with my waking fears.
These days, I wake up with a splitting headache, sore jaw, sore shoulders and a sore back. Nothing makes the headaches go away. the rest ease off once I start moving, but my head keeps on pounding. If I move to fast, I get very dizzy, my head feels like it is splitting in two, and I almost faint.
I don't want anyone to touch me. I don't want to be here. I want the pain to stop.
Comments (1)
The fact that no one has commented on this post probably means that they feel the same as me. They are so upset by what you've said that they just don't know what to say.
I will tell you this. You are not alone. I'm not talking about God or anything. What I mean is, everyone I know, including me, is in debt. Most of my friends see (or need to see!) a therapist.
I suffer from terrible sexual dysfunction. Depression takes a terrible toll on marriages, friendships and bonding between parent and child. You owe it to yourself to ask for help... whatever help you think you need.
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