January 25, 2001

  • I am back to the Dead feeling. I was doing well and then things just went click. All of a sudden I became really tired and just numb. All I want to do is sleep. I don't want to talk to anyone. I know nobody wants to talk to me, so I suppose that isn't too bad. I think I am going to ask my pdoc to let me cut back to once a month visits, from 4 times a month. I just whine at him anyway. Why does he want to be subjected to that? I don't even think he really listens. Monday, he told me that my mind was probably scared of the thought that I had been doing well, so I decided to space out. Yes, I like being like this. I get so much out of it. NOT! I just sat there. I wanted to run out of his office and never go back, but politeness wouldn't allow me to.


    So, I just exist. Eat, sleep, use up resources that could be used on someone else. Why can't I give my life to someone who is dying? I don't want it anymore, so why can't I just curl up and die, and let someone who is fighting to live, have my life?


    I want my head to stop hurting. Maybe it is punishment for all the people I have hurt in my lifetime. I am sure that just simply being near me has caused many people a lot of pain. I have seen their faces. I know that the evil inside me is evident to everyone but me.


    So God, here I am. The joke You created. I don't understand why, but I know I am a joke. I just hope You don't prolong it much longer. I don't think I can live this way. Whatever the plan was, this misery is bigger than my ability to carry it. Take care of my family, please. Don't let them be a joke too. Please let them be normal and happy and loved. Please let any of my badness be erased from them and not left to linger and destroy them. Please let me sleep tonight and not wake up to another day. Let me go.

Comments (4)

  • Blue...so sorry that you are feeling that way. I wish there was something whitty I could say to lift your spirits. Or wave a magic wand to blink your fears and anxiety away. I don't have that power, but there are days I wish I did. So all I can give you is (((HUGS))). And whine and cry, piss and moan all you want in your journal. That's what its here for. And BTW....God doesn't make mistakes or junk. All you have to do is look at nature to know that. Man is the one who makes the junk...just look at any ole junkyard or downtown street. ;-)

     

  • I agree that you are a worthwhile person!  I am so glad that you let your feelings be known instead of like me pretending that everything is ok.  I do myself more harm than good by doing that. 

    Hugs,

    Your friend,

    the weasle!

  • Jan, in a previous post you were craving the numbness... now that you have it, it's clearly not what you want.  You want to have fun, to laugh, to cry (appropriately) and to enjoy your life like you were meant to.

    I really believe it's possible or I wouldn't keep trying myself.

  • And... what's the deal with the headaches?  Tension?  Drug side-affects?  Allergies?  I think just nipping those in the bud will make a major difference in how you feel.

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