Jewels's Xanga Site  If you haven't been to see this site yet, you are missing some wonderful poetry.  This lady truly has a gift with words and a gift from God.  The poem she wrote today is very inspiring.  I think she would fully understand where I am standing right now.  She also reccomends this great game that I have become addicted to.  It is a lot of fun to play. Especially when trying to get your mind off the anxiety triggers.

I really am an ass!  I never noticed it before, but kind of had my face shoved in it tonight.  <sigh>  Why don't I ever learn?

It is funny too.  I ralized today that as far as some people are concerned, I am invisable.  And it really stung to realize that, but then again, that is something I have been striving for, so I don't know why it hurt.

I need to go away.  I need to disappear.  My kids need to forget about me and learn that I am not a good parent.  I am lacking to courage to do anything though.  I really wish that someone would just come along and put me out of this misery.  The part of the world that I touch and that acknowledges my existance would be so much better off without it.

Life sucks!  I am so tired of it all.  Why can't I give my life to someone who is dying and wants to live?  Then I could just peacefully fade into oblivian.

We finally got a monitor that doesn't create a yellowish tinge on all of the pictures.  Needless to say, it means that I HAD to change my colours. 

Agoraphobia - the fear of open spaces.  What a stupid description of the fear.  It isn't a fear of open spaces, it is a fear of leaving the house, a fear of social intereaction and reaction.  It is a fear that becomes very consuming.  going outside isn't the problem.  But going further than that is.  Yesterday was one of the days when I had to.  I did it, and I survived, but the thought of leaving again today are just as anxiety provoking as they were yesterday. <sigh>

I don't know if I am going to be able to stay much longer.  It is getting harder and harder to sit and keep my mouth shut while I get ranted and raved at.  I have been relegated to the same status as a child.  He resents me totally because I don't get up each morning and go to work.  I don't bring an income into this household, so therefore I am not entitled to spend it either.  My time should be spent solely in the up keep of this house and in the ensurance that our children are behaving in the manner deemed proper by the lord and master of this house.  He resents me more and more with each passing day.  And yet I am useful to him.  Only briefly though.  If I got off my butt and returned to  work, and keeping the house, then I would be entitled to have some say in things around here.  I don't exist.  I don't know why the Hell I am still alive.  I wish I could honestly say it was for my children.  But I am so selfish, I cannot even do that.  I think I have become so successful at keeping to rest of the world out, that I no longer even allow my children in.  I don't exist, except as a shell.

Aon Celtic Art Dragonfly - another one of my favourites.  Perhaps because their beauty is so fleeting.

Celtic Cross - I wear a Celtic cross on a chain around my neck.  It is the only cross that I have kept for longer than a month.  Every other one I have ever had, disappeared within weeks of starting to wear it.

Celtic knotwork intrigues me.  I want to try some designs in my beading.

"Happy Valentine's Day, you stupid broad.  I still don't know why I married you, but I suppose you are better than nothing when I am feeling lonely, or want some attention.  Not that you do a good job of it.  You can't even cook a decent supper for me, certainly not like my Mother did.  And you can't control those stupid kids.  I guess I will have to get the belt out and show them respect, just like my Father showed it to me.  Of course, I don't have anything to do with the Old Man anymore because he is a jerk, but still.  There is only one way to get your family to respect you and that is to be the boss, and I AM THE BOSS AROUND HERE!!!  The rest of you can go to Hell!"

Yes, Happy Valentine's Day.  I wonder why the emotional bruises don't show up on our skin.  Or maybe they do, in the form of self mutilation.  Never quite thought of it that way before.

February 9 1989, at 6:28 pm MST, a 8 lb 7 oz baby boy entered this world.  Today he turns 12.  Where did the time go?  <sigh>  Where did that innocent child go, and why do I have this mouthy pre teen living in my house?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADAM!!!!!

A saddness has been with me all day despite the flurry of activity that has occurred around here.  Some days, even being alive is just so much of an effort.  It is harder when the kids are all home, and a couple of extra ones are thrown in to the mix.  I don't want them to see where I am.  So the "Suzie Homemaker" mask is thrown up and covers me.

At times I wonder which is louder, the voices of the kids, or the voices inside my head?  The inner weirdos, as I have heard them reffered as.  I long for silence, but can never totally achieve it. 

Is there really an angel watching over me?  Angels were always something I felt drawn to.  Are they out there, or are they the voices inside my head?

This angel is from sewdoll.com.  I hope that she will bring peace into my life.

Tears.  Is it ever hard to type through tears.

I have been so quiet lately.  I am hiding again, uncertain what to do, or how to say it.  And very much afraid of how the world will react.  So I am even hiding from my journal.