April 19, 2001

  • I edited this out of a letter I was writing to someone.  I decided that I just couldn't send it, but it was something that I wanted to save and think about some more.


    The description of "too depressing" has been used for me, along with "too clingy" and "too needy".  Never was it suggested that I seek out psychiatric help, despite evidence of serious depressive episodes which started showing up when I was 3 years old.   Even when I was being treated for bulemia and anoerexia, they were seen as the cause of my depression rather than the other way around.  The descriptions of my personality led me to isolate myself, bury my feelings and deny my rights to happiness and even God's salvation.  I wasn't good enough, I never will be good enough.  If people get to know the real me, they will see the black spot on my sole that will scare them away from me.  Since I can't deal with anymore rejection, I want to be the first to reject.  I liken myself to an armadillo, curling up into a hard ball at the first sign that I might have to open up.